Friday, October 1, 2010

Selfish much?

I'm not an overtly selfish individual, and I never have been. That's not meant to sound conceited, it is just how I am. Something I feel selfish (and guilty) about is the dilemma presented to me by genetics. Let me explain. I am a carrier or a chromosomal defect that resulted in my sisters both having developmental, physical, and mental delays. Being a carrier means I have a 25% chance of miscarriage, 25% chance of a child like my sisters, 25% chance of having a child like me (a carrier) and a 25% chance of having a child unaffected by the abnormality. Now, 25% sounds like pretty strong odds, yes? If I had a 1 in 4 chance of hitting lotto, I would buy a ticket...if I had the same chance of getting hit by lightning on a particular day, I'd probably stay inside. I'm not a gambler. Never have been.

This has become a very difficult issue of late because my husband and I have been discussing the possibility of children in the next couple of years. My selfishness regarding this issue makes me feel guilty because I love my sisters and would die for them...but I won't deny that growing up with them has been incredibly hard at times. It scares me so much to think not only of bringing a child into the world that would have to suffer as they have, but I'm also terrified of the prospect of going through what my parents have...between hospital visits, brushes with death, and failed pregnancies...I know I couldn't do it.

There are options...checking fertilized eggs for the abnormality, for example. But as a woman who is pro-life, I don't know if I feel comfortable with the idea of fertilized eggs being "discarded". At this point, I think adoption or an egg donor are my best options.

But I feel like I'm chickening I'm I don't have faith that God won't give me more than I can handle. I realized tonight, laying here sleepless in bed...that I have never had a normal existence. My parents had a relatively normal life before the girls...I've never had a normal middle sister was born when I was around 3, and my youngest sister when I was 6. My whole life has been wrought with the difficulties surrounding them. So call me selfish, but I don't think I want to go through what my parents did. I want something normal. And I feel so guilty for that.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Dream a little dream for me...

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed about my "happily ever after" with the man I love in a little house with a herd of pets, and I am living that dream. I love my life. I can't complain about anything. I married my best friend-I man I can talk to about anything, play video games with, and laugh with at a million inside jokes. There is no one I would rather wake up next to.

We have a cute little house, with a cute little yard, and lots of cute little critters...and the best part is, it is *ours*.

I have an amazing family who loves me and has accepted my hubby as family too, and I have amazing friends who provide all the support I need. I even have a job I enjoy.

My life is a beautiful dream, and I am so lucky I don't have to wake up.

Monday, August 2, 2010


I love my daddy. This weekend, we watched the movie, "Taken", starring Liam Neeson. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you do. I won't spoil it for you, if you haven't, but I will say that Neeson plays a father whose daughter has been kidnapped, and the havoc he wreaks in the process of finding her is remarkable. Our friends were over, and I remarked to them that my dad would do the same if I or one of my sisters had been taken. Bubster said, "Are you kidding? Your dad would do worse!" And he's right. My dad would unleash the wrath of Hades on anyone that hurt me or my sisters. It's nice to know.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Oh, dear me.

I would be an English professor's worst nightmare. I write in a fashion similar to the way I think. In other words, I ramble, my ideas are disjointed, and I write my thoughts as they appear, as though I'm reading a teleprompter. It is a difficult habit to break, as I often don't remember what I was thinking ten minutes ago. After re-reading my first post, I realized it warrants some explanation because it reads like a page torn from the exact middle of a book.

So. Here goes.

I'm a 23 year-old woman who's grown up knowing the importance of love, forgiveness, education, and hard work, thanks to the diligent, loving examples set by my parents and extended family. Though many of my life's lessons have been learned by experience, a number of them are from this wonderful source.

I'm married to my best friend. We've been crazy about each other for five years now. We got engaged on Valentine's day of this year, and decided to get married at the courthouse 2 months later, on April 16. On April 23, we closed on our first house, where we live with a dog, 3 cats, a fish, 2 frogs, 2 gerbils, 3 rats and a hamster. We also welcomed my 14-year-old brother-in-law into our home. That's a long story...

I love ladybugs. You have no idea.

I also love reading, crafts, and watching movies with my hubby.

I'm going to school to become a veterinary technician, an extension of my love of animals.

Annnnnd, that's it for now. Plenty more to come, I'm pretty complex sometimes.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Forward march.

All my life, I was moving forward. I filled my life with pets and activities, and always looked forward. Forward, forward, forward. I was always moving on to the next "thing," never taking time to be...still. Then, my life hit a curtain. Not a wall, so much. That would imply impact, and I didn't feel a sudden crash as the dummy driving my life's car hit brick. No, my life hit a curtain. And flail as I might, I couldn't seem to move forward. I recently went through the difficult phase in one's life when everyone else is getting married. Emphasis on *everyone else*. Then, in a blur-my head is still spinning-everything happened at once. I got engaged, got married, bought a house, and became legal guardian of my 14 year-old brother-in-law...all in a span of 6 months. I am ready for things to slow down.