Friday, October 1, 2010

Selfish much?

I'm not an overtly selfish individual, and I never have been. That's not meant to sound conceited, it is just how I am. Something I feel selfish (and guilty) about is the dilemma presented to me by genetics. Let me explain. I am a carrier or a chromosomal defect that resulted in my sisters both having developmental, physical, and mental delays. Being a carrier means I have a 25% chance of miscarriage, 25% chance of a child like my sisters, 25% chance of having a child like me (a carrier) and a 25% chance of having a child unaffected by the abnormality. Now, 25% sounds like pretty strong odds, yes? If I had a 1 in 4 chance of hitting lotto, I would buy a ticket...if I had the same chance of getting hit by lightning on a particular day, I'd probably stay inside. I'm not a gambler. Never have been.

This has become a very difficult issue of late because my husband and I have been discussing the possibility of children in the next couple of years. My selfishness regarding this issue makes me feel guilty because I love my sisters and would die for them...but I won't deny that growing up with them has been incredibly hard at times. It scares me so much to think not only of bringing a child into the world that would have to suffer as they have, but I'm also terrified of the prospect of going through what my parents have...between hospital visits, brushes with death, and failed pregnancies...I know I couldn't do it.

There are options...checking fertilized eggs for the abnormality, for example. But as a woman who is pro-life, I don't know if I feel comfortable with the idea of fertilized eggs being "discarded". At this point, I think adoption or an egg donor are my best options.

But I feel like I'm chickening I'm I don't have faith that God won't give me more than I can handle. I realized tonight, laying here sleepless in bed...that I have never had a normal existence. My parents had a relatively normal life before the girls...I've never had a normal middle sister was born when I was around 3, and my youngest sister when I was 6. My whole life has been wrought with the difficulties surrounding them. So call me selfish, but I don't think I want to go through what my parents did. I want something normal. And I feel so guilty for that.