Are you lonesome tonight?

Does everyone feel jealousy? I seem to feel it all the time. Jealousy of friends who are traveling in Europe, jealousy of friends with children, jealousy of those who have never had to worry about money, ever. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life. I'm a homeowner, I have a good job, nine fuzzy "kids" and an amazing husband. But sometimes I struggle with jealousy. For example: My friend just bought his wife a hot-air balloon ride. Yeah. And it's not as though this is a rare occurrence-he's always doing random acts of kindness for her. Which is great. Just great. I've never really studied love languages but if I could make an educated guess, it would be that my love language is gifts. And that sounds so commercial and superficial, but I thrive on things being done for me or given to me. I don't need them to be extravagant...they don't even have to cost money. I just need to know that someone took time out of their day to think of me. I know how much hubby loves me, BELIEVE ME I do. He just didn't really have a father figure to teach him how to really dote on a woman. Brother-in-law is also a source of jealousy. Frankly, I don't think I need to compete with him for my husband's attention but here I am, blogging, while the boys play games. Hoo-fuggin-ray. I'm just frustrated...I used to be jealous of his cat, for Pete's sake. Bottom line is, I'm insecure and, well, lonely, and need his attention. I don't want to be two years into my marriage and resenting the things my husband isn't doing, because he just doesn't know any better. Do all women go through this or am I just a bitter old nag? I suppose it might help if I took my meds. Ugh.

A bad place.

A long time ago...more than a year, I think, I posted something about babies and the potential I have for having kids with problems. Well, I haven't thought about that for a while and honestly, I'm at peace with the idea. I think.

My problem now, is this. My mother couldn't carry to term after that point in her life, and so far, my reproductive system seems to operate on the same timeline as hers. The same problem that results in disabled children, the same problem I carry, is the same problem that in all likelihood will prevent me from having children past age 30.

I turned 25 on Friday.

If I'm doing the math right, that gives me 5 years to have kids. I want two, and at least a year between them. Plus, since I've been on the pill for so long, it could take 6 months or a year to get pregnant in the first place.

So.

6 months of trying plus 9 months of pregnancy plus 12 months in between, plus 9 months equals 36 months, or 3 years. So three of these remaining 5 fertile years are spoken for, yes? Alright. Here's the problem. Hubby wants to wait until his 16 year old brother graduates and moves out of our house. In two years.

I understand where he's coming from. Honestly, I do. The kid has been with us since 6 weeks after we got married and we've literally had no "us" time. I can see why he'd want that. I want that too, but time is not something I have unlimited amounts of. So, I will just bury my feelings, box these desires up in a neat little package, put a smile on and act like nothing's wrong. Because that's what I have to do.


But everything is so wrong. I am in a really bad place right now. I'm on the brink of mental breakdown.

My in-laws-the reason we have a teenager living with us, the reason we haven't had "us" time since we got married, the reason I have to put what I want on the back burner, are ultimately the reason we can't have kids right now and are jeopardizing my chances of having kids, ever.

Now, before everyone goes off on how we could have kids now and make it work and there's never a "perfect" time, blah blah blah, let me just say one thing. Hubby does not agree. We wait 2 years, he says. Wait two years to start trying. Ok, fine. But "US" time is not the only factor.

We have a two-bedroom house. Which would normally be big enough, but as my husband and I have one, and the teenager has the other, there's no room left.

Hubby says finances are a problem too. Consider that, within the last 6 months, we've had to replace a totalled car, a radiator, 2 sets of tires, miscellaneous other emergencies, and both of us have lost our jobs within the last 4 months. Not to mention feeding, clothing, and providing for a teenager. Great. Another issue caused by the inconsiderate, self-seeking, irresponsible, piece-of-shit sperm and egg donors I call "family" (tongue in cheek).

We have, in my family, a condition known as "Shleprock" syndrome.

It is a disease related to Murphy's law, in that "Whatever can go wrong, will" but this strain of virus results in "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong in the worst possible way, at the most inconvenient time, and will, in most cases, be something no one's ever encountered before." In addition to Shleprock, there's the "Black Hole", a theory my dad came up with to explain that when you have money, the universe senses it, and SUCKS EVERY EXTRA PENNY into itself.

So.

We are never going to have enough money. Ever. Even if Pieces-of-shit 1, 2, and 2.5 (stepmother-in-law)hadn't dumped a teenager on us 6 WEEKS AFTER WE GOT MARRIED, there would still be the issue of things going wrong. All the time. Until we die.

But whatthefuck ever, right?

I can't help thinking about what our life would be like without a teenager. I feel so guilty about it. But I shouldn't have to, goddammit. It's MY LIFE! I SHOULDN'T BE RAISING A TEENAGER! I would never make him go back to live with them, because they are garbage, but the fact remains if they were GOOD PARENTS in the first place, hubby and I would have been able to have "US" time, get caught up on some of our debt, and would be ready to have kids NOW.

I can't tell you how much this makes me feel like a total bitch but I literally want to scream until I can't anymore. I'm tired of being so fucking selfless. I'm tired of resenting the kid because it's not his fault his parents suck. I'm tired of resenting my husband because I know he's right, we do need time for us, but again, it wouldn't be an issue if my in-laws were decent people in the first place.

My mother wants to write to Dr. Phil and get on the show so we can make them own what they've done. But to be honest, if they haven't seen it by now, they never will, studio audience or not.

Selfish much?

I'm not an overtly selfish individual, and I never have been. That's not meant to sound conceited, it is just how I am. Something I feel selfish (and guilty) about is the dilemma presented to me by genetics. Let me explain. I am a carrier or a chromosomal defect that resulted in my sisters both having developmental, physical, and mental delays. Being a carrier means I have a 25% chance of miscarriage, 25% chance of a child like my sisters, 25% chance of having a child like me (a carrier) and a 25% chance of having a child unaffected by the abnormality. Now, 25% sounds like pretty strong odds, yes? If I had a 1 in 4 chance of hitting lotto, I would buy a ticket...if I had the same chance of getting hit by lightning on a particular day, I'd probably stay inside. I'm not a gambler. Never have been.

This has become a very difficult issue of late because my husband and I have been discussing the possibility of children in the next couple of years. My selfishness regarding this issue makes me feel guilty because I love my sisters and would die for them...but I won't deny that growing up with them has been incredibly hard at times. It scares me so much to think not only of bringing a child into the world that would have to suffer as they have, but I'm also terrified of the prospect of going through what my parents have...between hospital visits, brushes with death, and failed pregnancies...I know I couldn't do it.

There are options...checking fertilized eggs for the abnormality, for example. But as a woman who is pro-life, I don't know if I feel comfortable with the idea of fertilized eggs being "discarded". At this point, I think adoption or an egg donor are my best options.

But I feel like I'm chickening out...like I'm weak...like I don't have faith that God won't give me more than I can handle. I realized tonight, laying here sleepless in bed...that I have never had a normal existence. My parents had a relatively normal life before the girls...I've never had a normal life...my middle sister was born when I was around 3, and my youngest sister when I was 6. My whole life has been wrought with the difficulties surrounding them. So call me selfish, but I don't think I want to go through what my parents did. I want something normal. And I feel so guilty for that.

Dream a little dream for me...

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed about my "happily ever after" with the man I love in a little house with a herd of pets, and I am living that dream. I love my life. I can't complain about anything. I married my best friend-I man I can talk to about anything, play video games with, and laugh with at a million inside jokes. There is no one I would rather wake up next to.

We have a cute little house, with a cute little yard, and lots of cute little critters...and the best part is, it is *ours*.

I have an amazing family who loves me and has accepted my hubby as family too, and I have amazing friends who provide all the support I need. I even have a job I enjoy.

My life is a beautiful dream, and I am so lucky I don't have to wake up.

WWDD?

I love my daddy. This weekend, we watched the movie, "Taken", starring Liam Neeson. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you do. I won't spoil it for you, if you haven't, but I will say that Neeson plays a father whose daughter has been kidnapped, and the havoc he wreaks in the process of finding her is remarkable. Our friends were over, and I remarked to them that my dad would do the same if I or one of my sisters had been taken. Bubster said, "Are you kidding? Your dad would do worse!" And he's right. My dad would unleash the wrath of Hades on anyone that hurt me or my sisters. It's nice to know.

Oh, dear me.

I would be an English professor's worst nightmare. I write in a fashion similar to the way I think. In other words, I ramble, my ideas are disjointed, and I write my thoughts as they appear, as though I'm reading a teleprompter. It is a difficult habit to break, as I often don't remember what I was thinking ten minutes ago. After re-reading my first post, I realized it warrants some explanation because it reads like a page torn from the exact middle of a book.

So. Here goes.

I'm a 23 year-old woman who's grown up knowing the importance of love, forgiveness, education, and hard work, thanks to the diligent, loving examples set by my parents and extended family. Though many of my life's lessons have been learned by experience, a number of them are from this wonderful source.

I'm married to my best friend. We've been crazy about each other for five years now. We got engaged on Valentine's day of this year, and decided to get married at the courthouse 2 months later, on April 16. On April 23, we closed on our first house, where we live with a dog, 3 cats, a fish, 2 frogs, 2 gerbils, 3 rats and a hamster. We also welcomed my 14-year-old brother-in-law into our home. That's a long story...

I love ladybugs. You have no idea.

I also love reading, crafts, and watching movies with my hubby.

I'm going to school to become a veterinary technician, an extension of my love of animals.

Annnnnd, that's it for now. Plenty more to come, I'm pretty complex sometimes.

Forward march.

All my life, I was moving forward. I filled my life with pets and activities, and always looked forward. Forward, forward, forward. I was always moving on to the next "thing," never taking time to be...still. Then, my life hit a curtain. Not a wall, so much. That would imply impact, and I didn't feel a sudden crash as the dummy driving my life's car hit brick. No, my life hit a curtain. And flail as I might, I couldn't seem to move forward. I recently went through the difficult phase in one's life when everyone else is getting married. Emphasis on *everyone else*. Then, in a blur-my head is still spinning-everything happened at once. I got engaged, got married, bought a house, and became legal guardian of my 14 year-old brother-in-law...all in a span of 6 months. I am ready for things to slow down.