Saturday, July 21, 2012
Are you lonesome tonight?
Does everyone feel jealousy? I seem to feel it all the time. Jealousy of friends who are traveling in Europe, jealousy of friends with children, jealousy of those who have never had to worry about money, ever.
Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life. I'm a homeowner, I have a good job, nine fuzzy "kids" and an amazing husband.
But sometimes I struggle with jealousy.
For example:
My friend just bought his wife a hot-air balloon ride. Yeah. And it's not as though this is a rare occurrence-he's always doing random acts of kindness for her. Which is great. Just great.
I've never really studied love languages but if I could make an educated guess, it would be that my love language is gifts. And that sounds so commercial and superficial, but I thrive on things being done for me or given to me. I don't need them to be extravagant...they don't even have to cost money. I just need to know that someone took time out of their day to think of me. I know how much hubby loves me, BELIEVE ME I do. He just didn't really have a father figure to teach him how to really dote on a woman.
Brother-in-law is also a source of jealousy. Frankly, I don't think I need to compete with him for my husband's attention but here I am, blogging, while the boys play games. Hoo-fuggin-ray. I'm just frustrated...I used to be jealous of his cat, for Pete's sake. Bottom line is, I'm insecure and, well, lonely, and need his attention.
I don't want to be two years into my marriage and resenting the things my husband isn't doing, because he just doesn't know any better. Do all women go through this or am I just a bitter old nag?
I suppose it might help if I took my meds. Ugh.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
A bad place.
A long time ago...more than a year, I think, I posted something about babies and the potential I have for having kids with problems. Well, I haven't thought about that for a while and honestly, I'm at peace with the idea. I think.
My problem now, is this. My mother couldn't carry to term after that point in her life, and so far, my reproductive system seems to operate on the same timeline as hers. The same problem that results in disabled children, the same problem I carry, is the same problem that in all likelihood will prevent me from having children past age 30.
I turned 25 on Friday.
If I'm doing the math right, that gives me 5 years to have kids. I want two, and at least a year between them. Plus, since I've been on the pill for so long, it could take 6 months or a year to get pregnant in the first place.
So.
6 months of trying plus 9 months of pregnancy plus 12 months in between, plus 9 months equals 36 months, or 3 years. So three of these remaining 5 fertile years are spoken for, yes? Alright. Here's the problem. Hubby wants to wait until his 16 year old brother graduates and moves out of our house. In two years.
I understand where he's coming from. Honestly, I do. The kid has been with us since 6 weeks after we got married and we've literally had no "us" time. I can see why he'd want that. I want that too, but time is not something I have unlimited amounts of. So, I will just bury my feelings, box these desires up in a neat little package, put a smile on and act like nothing's wrong. Because that's what I have to do.
But everything is so wrong. I am in a really bad place right now. I'm on the brink of mental breakdown.
My in-laws-the reason we have a teenager living with us, the reason we haven't had "us" time since we got married, the reason I have to put what I want on the back burner, are ultimately the reason we can't have kids right now and are jeopardizing my chances of having kids, ever.
Now, before everyone goes off on how we could have kids now and make it work and there's never a "perfect" time, blah blah blah, let me just say one thing. Hubby does not agree. We wait 2 years, he says. Wait two years to start trying. Ok, fine. But "US" time is not the only factor.
We have a two-bedroom house. Which would normally be big enough, but as my husband and I have one, and the teenager has the other, there's no room left.
Hubby says finances are a problem too. Consider that, within the last 6 months, we've had to replace a totalled car, a radiator, 2 sets of tires, miscellaneous other emergencies, and both of us have lost our jobs within the last 4 months. Not to mention feeding, clothing, and providing for a teenager. Great. Another issue caused by the inconsiderate, self-seeking, irresponsible, piece-of-shit sperm and egg donors I call "family" (tongue in cheek).
We have, in my family, a condition known as "Shleprock" syndrome.
It is a disease related to Murphy's law, in that "Whatever can go wrong, will" but this strain of virus results in "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong in the worst possible way, at the most inconvenient time, and will, in most cases, be something no one's ever encountered before." In addition to Shleprock, there's the "Black Hole", a theory my dad came up with to explain that when you have money, the universe senses it, and SUCKS EVERY EXTRA PENNY into itself.
So.
We are never going to have enough money. Ever. Even if Pieces-of-shit 1, 2, and 2.5 (stepmother-in-law)hadn't dumped a teenager on us 6 WEEKS AFTER WE GOT MARRIED, there would still be the issue of things going wrong. All the time. Until we die.
But whatthefuck ever, right?
I can't help thinking about what our life would be like without a teenager. I feel so guilty about it. But I shouldn't have to, goddammit. It's MY LIFE! I SHOULDN'T BE RAISING A TEENAGER! I would never make him go back to live with them, because they are garbage, but the fact remains if they were GOOD PARENTS in the first place, hubby and I would have been able to have "US" time, get caught up on some of our debt, and would be ready to have kids NOW.
I can't tell you how much this makes me feel like a total bitch but I literally want to scream until I can't anymore. I'm tired of being so fucking selfless. I'm tired of resenting the kid because it's not his fault his parents suck. I'm tired of resenting my husband because I know he's right, we do need time for us, but again, it wouldn't be an issue if my in-laws were decent people in the first place.
My mother wants to write to Dr. Phil and get on the show so we can make them own what they've done. But to be honest, if they haven't seen it by now, they never will, studio audience or not.
My problem now, is this. My mother couldn't carry to term after that point in her life, and so far, my reproductive system seems to operate on the same timeline as hers. The same problem that results in disabled children, the same problem I carry, is the same problem that in all likelihood will prevent me from having children past age 30.
I turned 25 on Friday.
If I'm doing the math right, that gives me 5 years to have kids. I want two, and at least a year between them. Plus, since I've been on the pill for so long, it could take 6 months or a year to get pregnant in the first place.
So.
6 months of trying plus 9 months of pregnancy plus 12 months in between, plus 9 months equals 36 months, or 3 years. So three of these remaining 5 fertile years are spoken for, yes? Alright. Here's the problem. Hubby wants to wait until his 16 year old brother graduates and moves out of our house. In two years.
I understand where he's coming from. Honestly, I do. The kid has been with us since 6 weeks after we got married and we've literally had no "us" time. I can see why he'd want that. I want that too, but time is not something I have unlimited amounts of. So, I will just bury my feelings, box these desires up in a neat little package, put a smile on and act like nothing's wrong. Because that's what I have to do.
But everything is so wrong. I am in a really bad place right now. I'm on the brink of mental breakdown.
My in-laws-the reason we have a teenager living with us, the reason we haven't had "us" time since we got married, the reason I have to put what I want on the back burner, are ultimately the reason we can't have kids right now and are jeopardizing my chances of having kids, ever.
Now, before everyone goes off on how we could have kids now and make it work and there's never a "perfect" time, blah blah blah, let me just say one thing. Hubby does not agree. We wait 2 years, he says. Wait two years to start trying. Ok, fine. But "US" time is not the only factor.
We have a two-bedroom house. Which would normally be big enough, but as my husband and I have one, and the teenager has the other, there's no room left.
Hubby says finances are a problem too. Consider that, within the last 6 months, we've had to replace a totalled car, a radiator, 2 sets of tires, miscellaneous other emergencies, and both of us have lost our jobs within the last 4 months. Not to mention feeding, clothing, and providing for a teenager. Great. Another issue caused by the inconsiderate, self-seeking, irresponsible, piece-of-shit sperm and egg donors I call "family" (tongue in cheek).
We have, in my family, a condition known as "Shleprock" syndrome.
It is a disease related to Murphy's law, in that "Whatever can go wrong, will" but this strain of virus results in "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong in the worst possible way, at the most inconvenient time, and will, in most cases, be something no one's ever encountered before." In addition to Shleprock, there's the "Black Hole", a theory my dad came up with to explain that when you have money, the universe senses it, and SUCKS EVERY EXTRA PENNY into itself.
So.
We are never going to have enough money. Ever. Even if Pieces-of-shit 1, 2, and 2.5 (stepmother-in-law)hadn't dumped a teenager on us 6 WEEKS AFTER WE GOT MARRIED, there would still be the issue of things going wrong. All the time. Until we die.
But whatthefuck ever, right?
I can't help thinking about what our life would be like without a teenager. I feel so guilty about it. But I shouldn't have to, goddammit. It's MY LIFE! I SHOULDN'T BE RAISING A TEENAGER! I would never make him go back to live with them, because they are garbage, but the fact remains if they were GOOD PARENTS in the first place, hubby and I would have been able to have "US" time, get caught up on some of our debt, and would be ready to have kids NOW.
I can't tell you how much this makes me feel like a total bitch but I literally want to scream until I can't anymore. I'm tired of being so fucking selfless. I'm tired of resenting the kid because it's not his fault his parents suck. I'm tired of resenting my husband because I know he's right, we do need time for us, but again, it wouldn't be an issue if my in-laws were decent people in the first place.
My mother wants to write to Dr. Phil and get on the show so we can make them own what they've done. But to be honest, if they haven't seen it by now, they never will, studio audience or not.
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