Tuesday, April 3, 2012

A bad place.

A long time ago...more than a year, I think, I posted something about babies and the potential I have for having kids with problems. Well, I haven't thought about that for a while and honestly, I'm at peace with the idea. I think.

My problem now, is this. My mother couldn't carry to term after that point in her life, and so far, my reproductive system seems to operate on the same timeline as hers. The same problem that results in disabled children, the same problem I carry, is the same problem that in all likelihood will prevent me from having children past age 30.

I turned 25 on Friday.

If I'm doing the math right, that gives me 5 years to have kids. I want two, and at least a year between them. Plus, since I've been on the pill for so long, it could take 6 months or a year to get pregnant in the first place.


6 months of trying plus 9 months of pregnancy plus 12 months in between, plus 9 months equals 36 months, or 3 years. So three of these remaining 5 fertile years are spoken for, yes? Alright. Here's the problem. Hubby wants to wait until his 16 year old brother graduates and moves out of our house. In two years.

I understand where he's coming from. Honestly, I do. The kid has been with us since 6 weeks after we got married and we've literally had no "us" time. I can see why he'd want that. I want that too, but time is not something I have unlimited amounts of. So, I will just bury my feelings, box these desires up in a neat little package, put a smile on and act like nothing's wrong. Because that's what I have to do.

But everything is so wrong. I am in a really bad place right now. I'm on the brink of mental breakdown.

My in-laws-the reason we have a teenager living with us, the reason we haven't had "us" time since we got married, the reason I have to put what I want on the back burner, are ultimately the reason we can't have kids right now and are jeopardizing my chances of having kids, ever.

Now, before everyone goes off on how we could have kids now and make it work and there's never a "perfect" time, blah blah blah, let me just say one thing. Hubby does not agree. We wait 2 years, he says. Wait two years to start trying. Ok, fine. But "US" time is not the only factor.

We have a two-bedroom house. Which would normally be big enough, but as my husband and I have one, and the teenager has the other, there's no room left.

Hubby says finances are a problem too. Consider that, within the last 6 months, we've had to replace a totalled car, a radiator, 2 sets of tires, miscellaneous other emergencies, and both of us have lost our jobs within the last 4 months. Not to mention feeding, clothing, and providing for a teenager. Great. Another issue caused by the inconsiderate, self-seeking, irresponsible, piece-of-shit sperm and egg donors I call "family" (tongue in cheek).

We have, in my family, a condition known as "Shleprock" syndrome.

It is a disease related to Murphy's law, in that "Whatever can go wrong, will" but this strain of virus results in "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong in the worst possible way, at the most inconvenient time, and will, in most cases, be something no one's ever encountered before." In addition to Shleprock, there's the "Black Hole", a theory my dad came up with to explain that when you have money, the universe senses it, and SUCKS EVERY EXTRA PENNY into itself.


We are never going to have enough money. Ever. Even if Pieces-of-shit 1, 2, and 2.5 (stepmother-in-law)hadn't dumped a teenager on us 6 WEEKS AFTER WE GOT MARRIED, there would still be the issue of things going wrong. All the time. Until we die.

But whatthefuck ever, right?

I can't help thinking about what our life would be like without a teenager. I feel so guilty about it. But I shouldn't have to, goddammit. It's MY LIFE! I SHOULDN'T BE RAISING A TEENAGER! I would never make him go back to live with them, because they are garbage, but the fact remains if they were GOOD PARENTS in the first place, hubby and I would have been able to have "US" time, get caught up on some of our debt, and would be ready to have kids NOW.

I can't tell you how much this makes me feel like a total bitch but I literally want to scream until I can't anymore. I'm tired of being so fucking selfless. I'm tired of resenting the kid because it's not his fault his parents suck. I'm tired of resenting my husband because I know he's right, we do need time for us, but again, it wouldn't be an issue if my in-laws were decent people in the first place.

My mother wants to write to Dr. Phil and get on the show so we can make them own what they've done. But to be honest, if they haven't seen it by now, they never will, studio audience or not.


  1. YOU ARE NOT A B*tch! I was unable to have children at all after several tries 2 misscarriages ...I felt like Why me? That said , you could go off the pill sooner and use alternate methods of Birth control to let your system stabilize, get on a good multivit and be as healthy as possible until it is time to begin trying .With all the stress you have right now you might have more trouble getting pregnant just because of that. You are a great gal for taking on your brother in law, but the cost to you does seem inappropriate

  2. Thanks fern. That's not a bad idea actually.

  3. First, please don't assume you'll have the same problems I did with pregnancies, honey. I had 3 c-sections, and the scarring can prevent both implantation and being able to carry to term-especially, if implantation occurs near the scar. You haven't had any c-sections, so you don't have that against you. :)

    Secondly, uteri don't have a set expiration date. Just like that yogurt in the refrigerator. Sometimes, it's bad in the store, but more often than not it's good well past the date stamped on the bottom. Uteri are more like that. Some go more by the 'best used by' date and others last longer and have a 'sell by' date instead. The only ones that have absolutely no chance of working are those like mine that ended up in the cosmic garbage disposal or incinerator. :)

    Third, you don't sound like a b*tch. You sound overwhelmed by circumstances that are beyond your control. And you sound justifiably angry at so-called adults who abdicated any responsibility they had to go play and be self-indulgent. I don't dare say more, because I, myself, am so angry I could pop a blood vessel over them and what they've done.

    Fourth, I hope you do what you can to hold them responsible in the only way that you can, and that's financially. Besides, I think it's the only thing that would actually matter to them, because they obviously don't have Frank's, Bubster's or your best interests at heart.

    And last but not least, thank God Bubster is more of a man than his father will ever be! You've got a good guy there, honey. I know it will all work out, if you lean on one another.

    I love you. {{{Bugster}}}